I’m a monster


December 12th, 2018

I’m a pretty reasonable person, well behaved, empathic, trustful, and idealistic, though not a saint. That’s my average mode.
From time to time, depending on the moon, and further subconscious depths I’m just beginning to grasp, I turn into a monster. I scream, bluster, and rumble like a dragon for a few minutes, thus giving my astonished witnesses a hell of a shock. The trigger for my outbursts has to do with inner pain. I scream because I’m deeply hurt, and can no longer keep the pain inside.

I turn into a monster regularly, but not often, and I generally feel like shit afterwards.¬†Last time it was 2 weeks ago, just before leaving for a very intensive 1-week Rinzai Zen retreat in Oberallg√§u. Beyond right and wrong there’s a place, says mystical Rumi, and there I want to meet you. This was the closing sentence for the Zen retreat, and it inspires me for my next steps in different areas of life.

My monster loves me, wants to help me grow and blossom. Be yourself, she says, not the one they want you to be. You are repressing me, because society likes good manners, and uniform, predictable behaviour, but I’m part of you, and I’m full of power, and light! I can do beautiful things if you let me be.

I decided to accept my monster as a valuable part of myself.
The monster stays!

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